At this point in my life, I don’t want the Disney princess dream of a tiara and storybook romance. I want the version where I sleep for seven uninterrupted hours and a woodland creature scrubs my toilets.
Because let’s be real here. How are we supposed to relate to a teenage girl who gives up her voice for a guy she just met? I want a behind-the-scenes look at what happened next—after the credits rolled, the dress no longer fits, and Prince Charming is mansplaining the wine list.
From Cinderella on OnlyFans to Mulan smashing the patriarchy, here are the Disney princesses as you’ve never seen them before—older, questionably wiser, and entirely more relatable.
Snow White—Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Mirror mirror on the wall, when the hell did my boobs fall? Seriously. One day you’re a svelte and stunning icon and the next “Snow White” describes your hair and skin tone. As for
“Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Bashful, and Dopey?” Add in “Sweaty” to cover the hot flashes and “Snippy” over everything from loud cars to the price of an avocado, and you’re not talking about the dwarfs anymore. You’re describing my personality in a 24-hour period.
After years of therapy to get over that whole “evil stepmom tried to kill me” thing, I’m happy to report that I’m still married to my literal Prince Charming. No kids. After living with seven small men in my youth I know it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Think about it—one woman, seven guys, one bathroom. Not gonna work, and so I remain happily childfree.
In an ironic twist, despite an apple almost killing me, I made a killing off investing in Apple before the iPhone even came out. Let’s just say we can afford to live in something a bit nicer than a cottage in the woods—and we have separate bathrooms.
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Rapunzel—Tangled
Hey girl! Do you want thick, flowing hair and flawless skin that makes you look 20 years younger? I’m a divorced single mom to two beautiful boys, a fur baby, and I run my own business from home (#bossbabe!) I’m looking for women who want to live the same AMAZING lifestyle by trying out and selling these INCREDIBLE essential oils for your hair and body! (No, not seed oils! Those things will kill you! If interested, I can also tell you about my detox teas as well!)
I spent 18 years locked away in a tower, but you would never know it by looking at me! I would love for you to share my message on your socials and then join me on this ADVENTURE! How does … wait … did you just block me?!? Fine. Drop into my DMs or don’t. Your loss. I’m manifesting it anyway.
Aurora—Sleeping Beauty
Sleeping Beauty? I would settle for “can sleep through the night without getting up four times to pee” at this point in time. The older I get, the more I realize that’s probably why Maleficent was so jealous of me back in the day. It wasn’t my looks—it was the uninterrupted sleep and a libido that didn’t require jumper cables. (Related: I Did the Work. Now I’m Supposed to Do My Face.)
Speaking of which, please call me Aurora, as I left that old name in the past about 50 pounds, three kids, and a dozen talking small woodland creatures ago. I’m still married to Phillip—a man who never hesitates to go in for a kiss despite years of pent-up morning breath is a keeper, my friends—and we’re now empty nesters.
I sold my horticultural consulting business—Briar Rose—and I’m plotting my next move. Pickleball? Pilates? Political rage scrolling on Reddit? Eh, who has the energy? Not me. Netflix and ice cream, it is.
Cinderella—Cinderella
When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade—which is exactly what I’ve done. Did I like having to basically become a servant for my stepmom and stepsisters? No, of course not. But after the glow-up from my Fairy Godmother, I realized that I truly had a passion for everything fashion and lifestyle and launched a wildly successful blog—A Stroke of (Midnight) Genius—where I share everything from cleaning hacks and lifestyle tips to designs that have made me a style icon.
To initially fund this, I started an OnlyFans for people with a foot fetish and it took off like, well, a glass slipper at midnight. Don’t judge. If Madonna can still perform and post thirst traps at 68 years old, I can sell my sole to internet strangers. Plus, it leaves me time to build my brand. And it pays better than consulting, I can make my own hours, and I never have to hear that annoying Slack notification again.
Tiana—The Princess and the Frog
They say to be careful what you wish for, and I learned that the hard way. I was working two jobs to save up the money to open my own restaurant and thought a handsome rich prince might fit the bill. Naveen tried—he really did—but it soon became clear why his parents cut him off in the first place. (Spoiler alert: Entitlement issues.)
But I refused to give up my dream, won Top Chef: New Orleans, and eventually opened up my restaurant—Anything but Frog Legs—with no outside funding. I’ve since released three cookbooks and mentor other young girls of color who are interested in the culinary arts. Representation matters!
Princess Jasmine—Aladdin
You might know me from The Real Housewives of Agrabah, where me and my husband Al shared the day-to-day realities of balancing marriage, kids, and running a successful business together. We started “A Whole New World”—an import/export company that sells luxury “magic” rugs, lamps, and home furnishings with Middle Eastern and Southeast Asian influences—and both the business and our marriage are still going strong.
Well, there was a bit of a rough patch where Al went through what we’ll call a “midlife crisis”—buying a motorcycle to speed through the desert, a monkey he swore he could have conversations with again, and texts on his phone from a belly dancer named “Taji”—but we worked through it. Plus, it made for good TV.
Ariel—The Little Mermaid
Hi, my name is Ariel, and I’m a recovering hoarder. Looking back I realize that collecting “whosits and whatsits galore” like forks, jewelry, mirrors, and chests wasn’t exactly a normal thing for a teenager to do. (Then again neither are singing crabs and fish, but I digress. My therapist told me to let it go.) I’ve worked through it and now sell these collector’s items on eBay and Etsy. It’s done so well that me and my husband Eric have used that money to go on a second honeymoon—total win-win!
Speaking of therapy, after adjusting to living on land, reality set in. Who was I outside of the ocean and my marriage? What did I really want to do with my life? Why the hell did I think I wanted to be where the people are? (It only took a week of trying to navigate the I-80 at rush hour to make me want to leap back under the sea.)
Eric ran a successful boating business, so I combined two of my passions—singing and the sea—and now perform on his cruise ships a few months out of the year! I finally have enough money saved up to get what I really want—a Dyson Airwrap. Pricey? Yes. But it works so much better than a fork on my hair, so it’s totally worth it.
Mulan—Mulan
When you enlist in the Imperial Chinese Army and take down over 1,000 Hun Army troops, you earn a little street cred—or so I thought. It turns out it wasn’t enough to erase my culture’s restrictive gender roles, but it’s my mission to do just that. I’ve spent the past 30
years tirelessly campaigning for important issues like gender equality, LGBTQ+ rights, and a law that punishes able-bodied people who don’t return their grocery cart to the corral.
I want to teach girls and women of all ages the importance of persistence, family, and honor, and that they’re not confined to archaic gender roles and subservience to men. Everyone should have equal rights—except the aforementioned cart commandos above. If I can walk through the mountains with a 40-pound military sack on my back, you can walk five extra feet to return it.
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Belle—Beauty and the Beast
It really is a tale as old as time—Beast meets girl, they fall in love, and live happily ever after. And we did, for a few years. But while the French countryside was a great place to grow up, I didn’t sing about wanting “adventure in the great wide somewhere” just to hear myself sing. The only problem? Adam (aka Beast) was set on staying in the castle.
On the one hand, I totally got it. The library was amazing, the ballroom was a great way to get in my steps, and the secret rooms meant I was never bored. But there’s only so much talking furniture and other enchanted objects that a woman can take. Sometimes you just want to eat a good meal without the candlestick and clock weighing in on the fact that you went in for seconds, you know?
We mutually parted ways and are still friends on Facebook, so no hard feelings there. I got my master’s in psychology—writing my thesis on Stockholm syndrome—have been a professor for 25 years, and also started a nonprofit animal rescue. Yes, it’s slightly ironic. But these beasts don’t leave gobs of hair in my sink, so I consider it a win-win.
The End … or Is It?
It turns out that happily ever after wasn’t the ending—it was just intermission. We’re rewriting our own second acts. No corsets. No castles. Just protagonist power.
To be continued.
Related:
- Cerulean Is Back. Miranda Priestly Was Almost Right.
- Stop Hacking Your Way Through Midlife. Feed It Instead.
- Discontinued, Slightly Unhinged, and Taking It Personally
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This article originally appeared on PROVOKED and was syndicated by MediaFeed.co.
