5 Steps to Take When You Can No Longer Take Care of an Elderly Parent
f you’ve decided that you can’t continue to care for your parent anymore, you’ll need to find another care plan for them and explain your decision to other family members. Your decision may affect them, so give them time to process. Many family caregivers end up feeling trapped, lonely, and burned out as they care for aging parents. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings as you consider your options. We’ve outlined steps below to help make this process easier.
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Key Takeaways
- Offer yourself compassion if you can’t be a caregiver — overwhelm is a sign that this isn’t the best arrangement for you or your parent.
- Set up a time to speak and send an agenda to your siblings to give them time to think through this news.
- Brainstorm care options before you talk, but leave space for your siblings to propose suggestions, too.
- Consider short-term or trial solutions, like a part-time hourly caregiver or a trial stay at an assisted living community.
1. Reframe your decision
It’s normal to feel guilty when you decide to stop being a caregiver for a loved one, but there are other ways to view this change.
“Other people don’t always like or understand our decisions,” said Steven Zarit, a professor in the Human Development and Family Studies Department at Pennsylvania State University and a caregiver support group leader. “We all have limits on what we are able to do, and if we have done the best we can and can’t go on, we shouldn’t feel guilty.”
Reframing how you think about your own decision can help you avoid feeling unnecessary guilt.
“Rather than an either-or decision, I encourage adult children to think of it as, ‘I’ve been providing care in one way, and now I need to provide it in another way.’ It doesn’t mean you have to stop,” said Sara Honn Qualls, Director of the Gerontology Center at the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs.
Maybe your loved one requires additional care that you’re not trained to provide. A Place for Mom’s 2024 State of Caregiving Report notes that more than half (55%) of caregivers lack full confidence in the care they provide.[02] If your loved one needs more care or a different type of care than you can provide, memory care, assisted living, or having a home care aide attend to your loved one may be the most caring thing you can do.
2. Consider how others will be affected
Your decision to stop being your parent’s primary caregiver will probably bring change for your other family members, too. If they haven’t been providing care for your loved one, they may resent your decision and worry that they’ll have to put more time and effort into caregiving.
Undoubtedly, there will be complex family dynamics. Past issues between siblings may resurface. And any kind of change is usually difficult for everyone at first.
When she held family meetings, Qualls found it effective to ask, “What is most important to you about your mother’s life from today until the day she dies?” This question can help people focus on the parent rather than on siblings’ perceived shortcomings or family history. Family meetings about elder care can be an opportunity to brainstorm and collaborate.
If you think this decision may come as a surprise to your siblings or other family members, consider ways to let them process the information before you discuss next steps. You might say something like, “I’d like to set aside some time next week to discuss Mom’s care and what our other options are.”
This gives your siblings some time to gather their thoughts before engaging in a lengthy and possibly sensitive discussion.
3. Communicate with care and compassion
When you explain that something needs to change, it’s helpful to use inclusive language. Make it clear to siblings that you’re not telling them what to do or forcing them into something they don’t want to do. The following phrases can help:
- “Here are my thoughts.”
- “I could use your help figuring out the next steps.”
- “We’re in this together.”
- “Do you have any other ideas?”
The discussion may get heated. But rather than argue, tell family members that you’ve done the best you can. If there’s negative feedback, stay calm.
You might say, “Maybe I could’ve done things differently, but I’ve truly reached the end of the line and need some help.” If they seem willing, tell them they’re welcome to take over caregiving responsibilities.
For some families, it makes sense to find someone whose role is neutral and who has clinical training to manage or attend the meeting. Your local Area Agency on Aging may be able to recommend a geriatric care manager, an elder mediator, or a family therapist to help facilitate your discussion.
4. Acknowledge your feelings
Do you think others are judging you for not being a good enough child or sibling, or for abandoning the original caregiving plan? Do you believe that yourself? Do you feel someone else could have done better? Are others constantly criticizing your caregiving decisions? If so, try to have self-compassion and be kind to yourself. Feeling exhausted, lonely, inadequate, or resentful is common among family caregivers.[03]
According to A Place for Mom’s proprietary data, most caregivers (72%) feel more overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed after taking on the responsibility of caring for aging loved ones.[02] So, remember that others have been in your situation before, and there are ways to connect with them. Consider joining an in-person or online caregiver support group.
It may help you feel better to take the view that feelings provide important information. Feeling overwhelmed and exhausted is a clear sign that your current arrangement shouldn’t be a permanent one. If you feel bad about stepping away as a caregiver, remind yourself that it isn’t what’s best for you or your parent. There may be another option that would leave both of you feeling happier and less stressed.
5. Come prepared with suggestions
Consider offering a few practical options for what to do next when informing family members that you can no longer care for your aging parent. Maybe your parent needs a part-time in-home caregiver or round-the-clock care in an assisted living facility, or maybe you simply need more support from your siblings. Try to have a few realistic options ready to discuss.
If you’re unsure about how much care your loved one needs, you may be able to set up an appointment for you and your parent to visit their doctor. This allows you to get a neutral, professional perspective on whether your loved one would be well-suited for an assisted living community or another option. Keeping focus on your parent can help alleviate some of the negative emotions you or your siblings may feel.
It’s also helpful to know that if you want to consider an assisted living community, many offer short-term trial stays or respite care. This enables your parent to see what life is like in the community for a few weeks before committing to a move.
If you’re overwhelmed trying to find senior living options, let your family know. They may be able to help, and some may appreciate having a concrete task. Keep an open mind, as your family members may have their own suggestions.
What’s the next step?
Once you’ve discussed your desire for a caregiving change, you may decide as a family that your aging loved one needs more help than you or your siblings can provide.
A Place for Mom can help you learn more about caregiving alternatives, such as assisted living, care homes, and memory care.
Connect with a Senior Living Advisor to get started. Our Senior Living Advisors can help assess your family’s specific situation, send you information about different senior living options, and connect you with communities in your area — all at no cost to you. Senior Living Advisors can also help facilitate family conversations and offer the same unbiased advice to everyone in the family.
Feel supported and prepared to discuss senior living
All our advice, all in one place. Reference our detailed resource for help starting a productive dialogue, getting your family on the same page, and considering next steps. Download the conversation guide.
Families Also Ask
Can you be forced to take care of an elderly parent?
No, you can’t be forced to care for an elderly parent. However, if your parent relies on you and you stop providing care without making other care plans, this could constitute neglect or elder abuse.
Are we obligated to care for elderly parents?
There aren’t any legal obligations for adult children to be the primary caregivers for elderly family members, but many feel a moral and ethical obligation to physically care for their parents.
Are you financially responsible for your elderly parents?
You may have some financial responsibilities for an elderly parent. Laws vary by state and aren’t frequently enforced. Consider how your parent will pay for care needs and whether you plan to help.
What states legally require you to care for elderly parents?
States don’t legally require you to care for an elderly parent. However, consulting with an elder law attorney can help you get a better understanding of your situation, if you have concerns.
Can you refuse to care for an elderly parent?
Yes, you can refuse to care for an elderly parent. But, if you’re the agent under a parent’s power of attorney, you’ll need to talk to them about transferring the power of attorney to a new agent.
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This article originally appeared on A Place For Mom and was syndicated by MediaFeed.co.
