Ah, New Year’s. It is when we embrace wretched excess while simultaneously discussing all the positive changes we will make, starting right away on January 1.
While we hate to be negative, Nellies, you’re not fooling anybody when you say that in the New Year, you’re going to stop vaping and only drink wheatgrass juice at happy hour. Please enjoy our list of frequently-invoked New Year’s resolutions you will drop on January 2.
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1.’I’m going to lose 20 pounds.’
It is an admirable goal, but if you want to lose weight, it requires a steady and sustained commitment to changing your lifestyle. Also, it would behoove you to wait until March – it will take a few months of daily crunches to get your abs ready for the beach in July.
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2. ‘I’m going to join a gym.’
Good for you! And when you go there for the first time on January 1, you’ll notice it’s jam-packed with other people who made the same resolution, meaning you’ll have to wait 20 or 30 minutes for the elliptical. They’ll all stop showing up in February, so maybe go back then.
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3. ‘Less carbs, more vegetables.’
Those who remember Richard Simmons’ “Deal-A-Meal” plan will recall that you had many more veggie cards to play with than carbohydrate cards, a finding that has informed the decisions of many to model their diet after that. Since Richard Simmons has not been seen publicly in years, he won’t get cranky at you when you abandon this resolution on January 5 or so.
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4. ‘Time to get a household budget together.’
Again, the goal here is both admirable and practical, especially if you’ve ever found yourself on the wrong end of a notice saying that unpaid bill is going into collections. At the same time, what fun is planning your household utilities budget when you can blow it all impulsively on stupid crap that’s been marked down?
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5. ‘I have to quit smoking.’
Yes, you do. But are you going to? Absolutely not! If you haven’t already made the formulation that spending $12 a day on cigarettes is enough of a reason to quit, then we can’t help you. Furthermore, if having to go outside into the freezing cold every time you want a smoke doesn’t deter you either, the mere fact of it being January 1 isn’t going to do it.
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6. ‘I have to reduce my time on screens.’
Since the advent of the iPhone, most people have become addicted to these handy doodads that distract us, take us out of the moment, and get us into arguments on Facebook. While it’s admirable that some adults have figured out that maybe they should curb their habit, we know that’s unlikely, especially if you’re reading this on your iPhone.
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7. ‘I need to get on the wagon.’
Many of us have succumbed to debauched excess at New Year’s Eve parties, where the champagne and other judgment-impairing substances flow freely. This can lead to the observation the following day that the liquor’s got to go. If this sounds like you, your heart is in the right place, but if you’re dealing with that New Year’s Day hangover by enjoying the hair of the dog, we’re not sure you’ll see this one through.
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8. ‘I want to spend more time with my family.’
That statement isn’t just for scandal-plagued members of Congress who have been forced to resign due to accepting kickbacks from defense contractors. It’s also for people who like to make New Year’s resolutions that they have no intention of keeping!
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9. ‘I need to get organized.’
Or if you’re Travis Bickle, you need to get “organ-iz-ized.” We’re not saying that anyone who intends to get organized in the New Year is similar to the antihero of the 1976 movie “Taxi Driver,” but we are saying that he left that noble goal to the side, just as you will in the New Year.
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10. ‘I’m going to start my own business.’
If the business you’re going to start is selling off your five remaining compact discs on eBay, then yes, you are going to start a business in the New Year. If you’re talking about anything more ambitious than that, we expect that honorable plan to instantly go south the minute you realize you have to pay to file as a limited liability corporation.
This article was produced and syndicated by MediaFeed.
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