Jeff Bezos got rich off of his Amazon stock and has made dozens of investments in early-stage tech startups like Airbnb, Twitter, and Uber. But his recent $53 million investment in a single piece of art left many stock analysts scratching their heads.
But for anyone who’s been paying attention to the early-stage venture capital, it makes perfect sense. The story behind Bezos’ changing strategy started over a year ago, as the record bull market was squashed by high inflation and global conflict.
Now, valuations are plummeting, investors have lost billions, and even the four “besties” on the popular Silicon Valley insider All-In podcast admit that startup investors are going to suffer through a lot of pain in the years to come.
[Think you can’t afford to invest in art? Think again. Learn more at Masterworks.]
Which is probably why billionaires like Bezos, Bill Gates, and even the famed VC Marc Andreessen are all looking to diversify a portion of their portfolios out of tech and into alternative assets, like blue-chip art.
Art provided consistent returns for decades
Contemporary art has outpaced the S&P 500 by 136% over the last 27 years, and it’s outpaced real estate and gold by more than three to one.
Learn more at Investing in Gold vs Art: All You Need to Know
Plus, it has a low correlation to stocks, which means art can still go up even when stocks are crashing. Like in 2022, when art had one of its best years on record despite a massive correction in tech stocks like Apple and Meta.
[If you’re looking to diversify with art, Masterworks should be one of the first places you look. It only takes seconds to apply, but with over 800,000 members on their list, their offerings often sell out in minutes.]
This article originally appeared on Masterworks.com and was syndicated by MediaFeed.org.
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These Amazon reviews will crack you up
Now more than ever, time is a valued commodity, and most of us are too harried with our workaday lives to produce great prose. Then you have other kinds of people, who apparently have the time, money, and energy to spend all day on Amazon writing gag reviews for various products.
Always cognizant of the many great artistic efforts that must be preserved for future generations, we have compiled some examples of the funniest customer reviews on Amazon. Also, since we like to keep it real up in here, we have retained all the punctuation and formatting of the original reviews, presenting them in their pure and untarnished state, as they appear on Amazon.
You’re welcome.
Michael Krinke
It’s shocking to see that you can buy uranium ore on Amazon, yet here it is. The product description notes that it’s useful for testing Geiger counters, and that “Radioactive minerals are for educational and scientific purposes only.”
That didn’t stop commenters from cracking jokes, of course. Patrick J. McGovern wrote, “I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.”
Another commenter left a question: “Will this take me back to the future in my DeLorean?”
“No,” a user named ogod answered. “Your DeLorean uses a standard GE General Purpose Waste Disposal FUSION Reactor. U238 is not a fusible material, and thus will just clog up the intake, rendering your reactor useless.”
Good to know!
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“Warning: Don’t want your spouse to smack you? your kids to kick your shins? Then avoid this album at ALL COSTS. You’ll ignore them. all. Brushing off this warning may cause severe feel good feely feelings. You may experience a spell of charisma, nostalgia, intrigue, etc. Once you’ve reached elation, forget calling for help. The addiction has now taken you. Soon your family will start experimenting with this album and know Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton are more than just a trivia question from the Got Milk commercial from 1993. Everyone loses.”
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This innocent little banana slicer has pulled in a ridiculous number of funny reviews. A lot of them riff off of the product description, which says it’s “great for cereal” and “safer than using a knife.”
“As shown in the picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way,” J. Anderson wrote.
“I can’t believe this slicer is listed as ‘great for cereal,’” wrote user Thumpin’. “I tried slicing Cheerios, Trix, Corn Flakes, and Chex, and each ended up crumily smashed, not neatly sliced. What’s worse, this thing is nigh useless on Cream of Wheat.”
Chandler, AZ wrote, “My expectations may have been a little high, but I have not been able to successfully slice more than 3 bananas at one time. Not sure how Hutzler can claim to slice 571 bananas with this model.”
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This book, written by Captain John W. Trimmer, has so many funny reviews that it’s tough to choose which to highlight.
“Read this book before going on vacation and I couldn’t find my cruise liner in the port. Vacation ruined,” wrote reviewer Dan.
Noel D. Hill wrote, “As the father of two teenagers, I found this book invaluable. I’m sure other parents here can empathize when I say I shudder at the thought of the increasing presence of huge ships in the lives my children. I certainly remember the strain I caused so long ago for my own parents when I began experimenting with huge ships.”
Jim Henley asked why there’s no Kindle edition, saying, “Given that there is a huge ship bearing down on me RIGHT NOW I am extremely disappointed that I cannot get inst” before he was presumably cut off from finishing the review because he couldn’t avoid a huge ship.
These reviews even inspired a comic book parody. At $12.99, it’s a better deal than the original — used copies are currently going for $95.50.
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This Officially Licensed Star Wars Luke Skywalker Ceremonial Jacket with Medal of Yavin is a copy of the fancy jacket Luke wore way back when, at the end of the original “Star Wars” movie. In addition to being made of materials “true to the movies,” the description says it “includes the Medal of Yavin.” Indeed, the Force is strong with this one!
Amid the enthusiastic Amazon reviews from fans, Cable wrote, “I tried this jacket on and not 60 seconds later I got a voice-mail on my cell phone. My phone didn’t even ring. Puzzled I decided to listen to the message. It was a woman’s voice saying that I was her only hope.”
G wrote, “I used to be an unemployed movie theater usher, but that all changed when I bought this jacket. Now I’m an unemployed movie theater usher with one of these jackets.”
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The description for this UFO detector claims that “Confirmed UFO sightings have been reported,” and that it’s “easy to use. Blue LED’s light in a rotating circular pattern in monitoring mode.” It’s available on Prime for $87.66. Perfect for the space fan in your life, right? Then again, buyer beware:
“I don’t know if this is a scam or if mine was broken, but it doesn’t work and I am still getting abducted by UFO’s on a regular basis,” wrote Cyphis in a review.
Darn. Good luck, Cyphis.
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This book‘s description calls it a “product of RAND’s pioneering work in computing,” but reviewers spied something else at play here.
“I was duped by the title of this book. It is supposed to be about random digits. And at first glance you do see randomness. But after reading the book a while I started seeing a pattern,” wrote reviewer Obi Wan. The review continued: “The top corner of each page (left corner on the left side pages, right corner of the right side pages) was a list of sequential numbers from 1 to 628, all in a row. No numbers are skipped. Even the prime numbers are included!”
Logan “Chappy” Alamos wrote in his review, “They sure don’t come up with random numbers like they used to.”
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If you want to take notes about “A Million Random Digits,” you’ll need one of these BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pens — a standard black-ink pen advertised as being decked out in “for her” pastels.
Reviewers went to town on this marketing tack. To kick things off, one of the questions from a potential buyer asks, “Is it safe for my husband to use?”
Courtney wrote in her review, “I see this comes in a sleek design. But as a ‘full-figured’ woman, do these pens come in ‘curvy and carefree’?”
PGC commented, “Well at last pens for us ladies to use… now all we need is ‘for her’ paper and I can finally learn to write!”
Kelly A. Macpherson made a joke along the same lines: “I’d really like to buy a pack of these pens; but I probably need my father’s or husband’s permission first. Like I do with all my financial decisions.” Too funny!
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“This econometric study covers the latent demand outlook for wood toilet seats across the regions of Greater China,” the description for this book reads, and we’re sure it doesn’t disappoint at $495. It’s even in stock and available for Prime shipping!
“I’m not sure what all these rave reviews are about,” Revolverlbc wrote in a review. “I was just as excited as the next man to order this highly anticipated follow-up to ‘The 2002-2009 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China’ but it left me flat.”
Brutus wrote, “This is so weird. My husband and I were just discussing the 2009-2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China the other day.”
In another review, S wrote, “What a lot of these up and coming kids these days don’t understand is how different things were in the Chinese toilet game in the 2009-2014 years.”
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This CD of David Hasselhoff’s best songs includes, well, songs you probably didn’t know the “Baywatch” actor had sung in the first place.
Oh Captain Awesomeface wrote of the album, “This CD came in the mail today and I was very excited to finally hear the best of David Hasselhoff. To my dismay however, this album is an exact copy of the ‘Worst of David Hasselhoff” CD which I already own.”
Unsure how this happened, Captain continued, “All I know is I now have one too many copies of a David Hasselhoff CD, which puts me afoul of the law.”
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What could Amazon reviewers possibly have to say about a simple bottle of craft glitter? Wonder no more.
Reviewer Brian Spatz writes an elaborate tale to explain why he loves this glitter.
“So I wake up in the middle of the night in my 2 bedroom apartment. I find me roommate passed out face down on the wooden floor. I think nothing of it and go back to sleep. The next morning I wake up to go to work and there is a homeless guy asleep on my couch. My roommate woke up still drunk and had made friends with a bum. And this is the second time he let a stranger off the street just stroll in and pass out. Great.
“You are probably thinking what does this have to do with my arts and crafting,” he continued.
“Well I bought this product and proceeded to cover everything my roommate owns in glitter. Every T shirt, every book, ever pair of shoes, his bed… I covered his entire life in glitter.
“Did he threaten to kill me? Sure.
“But will he ever let another stranger sleep on the couch? No.”
Wow! Glitter for the win!
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The story in the review on this portable Bluetooth speaker isn’t so much funny as it is downright amazing.
“It LITERALLY survived a tornado,” Jason Shaw wrote. “I bought this for my father-in-law for Christmas. His home was completely demolished by an EF4 tornado the next day. The following day entailed torrential rain. Today, we found the speaker amongst the soaking wet rubble of his home. Amazingly, it powered right up and is in perfect working order.”
Well, the description does say it’s “Waterproof Rugged Portable Speaker For Home, Travel and Outdoors.”
Sadly this speaker no longer available. With that rave review, we’re guessing they sold out!
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Even the maker of this horse head mask acknowledges that it’s creepy. A note from the manufacturer in the product description reads, “We’ve discovered yet another universal truth — a person wearing a Horse Head Mask looks downright disturbing.” That’s just inviting reviewers to flex their funny bones.
“It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own” ByronicHero wrote in his review. “I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways.”
A Human Reviewer wrote, “This mask imbues the wearer with super-human abilities. The power to make everyone around you feel akward [sic] and uncomfortable being first among them.”
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According to the product description, this T-shirt features “Artist Antonia Neshev’s infamous masterpiece,” a pack of three wolves howling at an American-flag moon. It also notes that it’s “One of the most reviewed and best-selling apparel items in Amazon history.” There’s a reason for that.
One buyer’s question asks, “Is this shirt safe to wash or will my washing machine take away all its magic?”
“Currently running the country side with a pack of wolves after having put on this shirt,” wrote reviewer Matthew Costlow. “Will review later.”
“Received this shirt just in time for my job interview,” wrote Mellow Mel. “After seeing my awesome attire, the interviewing manager offered me his job. Of course I accepted. I asked what he was going to do now? He said he would like to post for the position that I had came in to interview for. I told him that he was not qualified, but I did wish him well in his future endeavors.”
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The Daddle is a toy saddle designed to go on dad’s back when little kiddos and dad are playing horsey.
Wayfinder wrote that the Daddle was all fun and games “until the fateful day my wife bought the boy some spurs.”
Wandrwoman, who seems knowledgeable about equestrian sports, noted that the Daddle is “Not Appropriate For Dressage!” in her review. “Please note that this Daddle is Western Style and will not be appropriate for those trained in the English Father Riding Method whereby one holds a rein in each hand and posts the trot. If you are looking forward to father jumping, father fox hunting, father polo or daddy dressage you will not be able to use this Daddle.”
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The Bristol Novelty BM305 Penguin Overhead Mask is yet another creepy animal-head mask with some entertaining reviews.
“I wear this mask to sing lullabies to my children,” user Lemon God wrote. “They are terrified of the mask. Whenever they protest about their bedtime, or ask for too many sweets, I whip on the mask, and they soon know who is King Penguin.”
Those kids are going to have nightmares … but it’s still pretty funny!
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This silent mouse doesn’t make the click sound a traditional mouse makes, and one reviewer decided to riff on the idea that mouse clicks could become too much for a relationship to withstand.
“My girlfriend and I were on the verge of breaking up because I would keep her awake at night with my constant mouse clicking,” wrote LooseSeal. “NOT ANYMORE! Consider this relationship saved. This mouse is so silent she will sometimes forget I’m even home and invite her lover over. He’s a pretty cool guy.”
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The JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank is a “land vehicle and battle tank” that “carries cargo or a crew of up to five internally or on the roof” and is “piloted from within the armored shell or from an exposed standing position through the hatch,” according to the product description.
Here we go.
“No more being stuck at the end of the pick up carline at school!” Happy Camper wrote.
KaliMau wrote, “I’ve had mine for about 2 years and it was great. Sand dunes. Rivers. Middle Eastern invasion. But it’s really hard to find a mechanic who can work on these things. When I had to have AAA tow me home from the Crab Night Casino Buffet about 3 months ago, I figured my Badonkadonk was headed for scrap.
“But seal the interior and place the Badonkadonk over a large firepit and you have instant hot tub. That saved me about $10k on a hot tub purchase.”
Sadly the Badonkadonk is no longer available on Amazon, so you’ll have to find your Christmas tank elsewhere.
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This simple tube of white face paint has inspired quite a few creative reviews on Amazon.
M. Taylor wrote, “My mime class went ape-crazy over this stuff. Comments ranged from ‘_________!’ to ‘__________!!!’. You’ve never seen people so excited.”
David Davey wrote, “I am just an ordinary redheaded man, I bought this face paint and used it as sunscreen on my face, later in the day I was mobbed by people asking for my autograph as I entered a Mcdonalds store!! I even got free macca’s to boot!”
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This steering wheel work tray is intended for use in parked vehicles, not working on your laptop as you drive, but because the photos and description don’t put that front and center, reviewers had a good time with this one.
The first customer question on this item reads: “What’s the average number of fatalties per user? Just an estimate is fine.” Answer: “The question is misleading. The number of people killed ‘using this device’ is zero. The people who have been killed are all the drivers of other cars, pedestrians, bike riders and joggers.”
George Takei, the beloved Star Trek actor, is also a prolific reviewer of products on Amazon — and he gave this tray a good-natured ribbing: “My husband Brad always warns me not to try and update my Facebook page while I’m driving. ‘You’ll hit another pedestrian,’ he says. ‘This isn’t the Enterprise, there isn’t a deflector array.’ Then along comes a miracle product like this! I can now happily fly at warp speed down the streets of Los Angeles, laptop or mobile device perched right in front of me, so I can keep both eyes right on it AND on the road. It’s so much easier to ignore all the frightened screams and annoying honking when you’ve got Facebook to look at while driving. Thank you, Wheelmate!”
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This Martin Scorsese-directed film won critical acclaim and plenty of Oscar nominations, but some Amazon users who bought the movie on Blu-Ray weren’t impressed.
“There are no wolves in this movie,” wrote T. Berube.
Ha!
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This Swiss Army Knife is just … extra. It has 87 implements and won’t fit in your pocket — it measures 11.8 by 10.8 by 4.3 inches. It’s a lot to take in, and Amazon’s reviewers don’t disappoint. All of the reviews and questions on the main page for this knife are jokes, starting with: “Where is the Flugelhorn? Answer: Right in between the warp drive and the creme brulee torch.”
“When I forgot to take it out of my backpack before trying to board my flight the helpful TSA agent at the security area pointed out that by deploying the two larger blades and the jet engine on the back side I really didn’t need a commercial flight, just a runway and some goggles,” B.W. Behling wrote. “Boy, did I feel dumb, but I saved $605 on airfare!”
Owenlong wrote, “I forgot the knife in the front pocket of my Swiss Army shorts and when my wife washed them it completely disassembled our washing machine.”
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Luxury items are an easy target for snarky reviewers, so it’s not surprising that a series of funny reviews took off on this Zenith titanium diving watch.
The Swiss watchmaker has creations that sell for more than $100,000, so reviewer Zee Hamid joked that some apparent price-slashing was too good of a deal to pass up.
“I wasn’t going to buy this watch, but then I noticed Amazon had it with $58,000 off!” he wrote. “What a deal. With the money I saved I purchased a brand new BMW and still had money left over for a Disney vacation. How many watches save you money to buy a car and a vacation?”
“Now whenever I see someone with money troubles I tell them to buy this watch and save $58,000,” he continued. “I am considering buying 10 of these watches so I can save $580,000 and buy a house on cash. Retirement saving is also no longer a concern for me, as I plan to buy one every year and live off the $58,000 I save.”
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The Playmobile Security Check Point playset comes with the metal detector travelers walk through at the airport, as well as the conveyor belt that runs luggage through an X-ray machine. So it’s no wonder that this item spawned some TSA jokes.
One potential buyer asked, “Does it come with a TSA Pre-check bypass lane?”
“I ordered this toy a few weeks ago and, to save on shipping, combined it with a Swiss Army pocket knife, a bottle of shampoo, a padlock, and a few shirts,” CJS wrote. “Imagine my surprise when the package arrived sans knife or shampoo and with all of the clothing unfolded. The padlock I ordered was also damaged, with marks resembling those from bolt cutters. Strange.”
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What can reviewers lampoon about a standard gallon jug of milk? Ho boy.
One Amazon user asked: “If I spill it, can I cry?” The top answer: “If you do it is best to cry either next to it or below it. Crying over it is useless.”
A Poe-styled poem — eight whole stanzas! — about the milk (and a feline visitor “with an incessant purring”) from reviewer Edgar ends, finally, “Quoth the kitten, ‘Get some more.’”
“Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal?” J. Fitzsimmons wrote. “A-W-E-S-O-M-E!”
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If populating your home with life-size cardboard cutouts of character actors is your jam, a business with the catchy name “Celebrity Cutouts” has got you covered. For a nominal fee of $169.88, they’ll be happy to sell you a cutout of celebrities ranging from Justin Bieber to Bob Ross, or as in this case, Taxi and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia star Danny DeVito.
“Just when I think I am having a bad day or need some justification I am doing my best I just have to look back and Mini Danny Devito assures me I am doing fine,” said Amazon customer Jamie Parker, who gave the product five stars. “His look of assurance. It really has an aura. I recommend this for anyone thinking about hiring a life coach.”
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The idea behind this product is pretty simple. You pull your real hands up into your sleeves, hold these tiny hands so that they stick out where your real hands normally would, and watch your friends and loved ones as they try mightily (and fail) to refrain from laughing hysterically at you and your tiny hands. An Amazon customer named “Amazon Customer” gave the hands five stars.
“There aren’t enough words to express my gratitude for these tiny hands,” Amazon Customer said. “One day they came to me in a vision and I knew I had to have them. They have made me closer with my friends, they have brought me peace of mind, and, most importantly, they have strengthened my relationship with God. Everyone needs a pair of tiny hands, even if they don’t know it yet. Stay blessed.”
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Human beings have an evolutionary advantage over the rest of the animal kingdom because of our opposable thumbs, which allow us to operate doorknobs, wield pencils, and wordlessly express approval. However, some of us really want to have the deadly pincers of crustaceans, and for those people, these giant lobster claws are just the ticket.
“i prowl the neighborhood by night… lobsterman!” said Amazon customer Fred McColly. “evil flees in the face of my mighty pincers…the streets are safe…the night breeze is cool on my bony armor…i sleep in a tide pool by day protected by vigilant trigger fish..these claws have opened a whole new vista of existence…highly recommended…”
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As both the photo and the caption imply, this is a picture of an elderly woman with an inhaler that can be affixed to any surface with its adhesive backing. As Amazon customer Ian Johnson said in his five-star review, it is what it is.
“I was looking for a large wall decal of a stock photo of a woman using an inhaler, and this fit the bill perfectly,” he said. “Thank you!”
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Sometimes, when we buy a product, we have unrealistically rosy preconceived notions of how it’s going to be, and then when we open it and use it, the disappointment is devastating. Well, in the case of this 26-ounce container of Morton iodized salt, Amazon customer R. Arless allays any such fears.
“Very salty taste, if you enjoy food products with a salty taste you’ll love this,” he said. “Because it contains a very high salt content, at least 99.999%, you should mix it with other food or beverage products which contain much less salt as direct consumption of large amounts of such a salt rich food product is hazardardous.”
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Boy, Amazon customer Debbie Cutter did not like this product one bit. Or rather, she didn’t like the way that the product description glosses over the product’s country of origin.
“There is no label on the foot end of the casket (right side base mold) that shows this casket was made in China,” she said. “Per the Tarrif Act of 1930, all imports are required to have a Point of Origin Label in a ‘visible area’ that specifies which country it is manufactured in.”
A valid concern, to be sure, but it bypasses the fact that many customers were satisfied with this product. Amazon customer Louie C. said, “No complaints from Grandpa,” and another named Cara said, “Haven’t heard a single peep from grandma since she received this.”
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The Amazon product page for the BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen, like those for the book How To Avoid Huge Ships and the Hutzler 571 banana slicer, was a magnet for parody reviews by customers. This pink hammer for “ladies” has not attracted the same level of engagement from customers, but at least one of them, theliterarygirl, took the opportunity to use the review section to sternly upbraid both her husband and men in general.
“It’s a pink hammer!” she exclaimed excitedly. “Sadly, the pink color does NOT keep my husband from stealing it. What is wrong with men? Get your own dang tools!”
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Just as one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, one person’s ludicrous Kindle book is another’s hot and steamy substitute for the works of Anais Nin. Such is the case with Taken by the T-Rex by author Christie Sims, which Amazon customer RFG seemed to feel belonged in some limbo between the two.
“I was particularly fond of such riveting details as ‘fish were discovered in the river’ and ‘Grul collected his long stick and cutter, the only other cutter in the village,’” she said. “I did wonder when it would be erotic, I cannot be sure but i think at loc 195 of 285 when Drin is being chased by a T-rex that ate her mom and she is so aroused by the chase that she ‘had to fight the urge to touch herself.’ Enthralling. How is this not a bestseller?”
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People who felt misled by the title of the 1973 Burt Reynolds film The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing will be happy to know that the book Dancing with Cats by Burton Silver and Heather Busch is really and truly about dancing with cats. Sadly, as Amazon customer Kristi learned, this book may not have the desired effect on our feline friends.
“My cat was never a dancer,” she said. “An artist? Yes. A rapper? Of course! But a dancer, she would have none of that. I read this book to my cat every night for one year. She cried through most of it. She still won’t dance with me.”
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In a long-forgotten past, Nicolas Cage was a respected, Oscar-winning actor. Then, something happened, and now he’s a punchline more often than he’s a top-of-the-marquee movie star. You may dispute this, but there’s a Nicolas Cage pillowcase for sale on Amazon, and we’re just saying, there was never a Laurence Olivier pillowcase. Amazon customer April B. said the product is a study in contrasts.
“I got this as a gift for my husband,” she said. “He has never been so happy and sleeps like a baby every night now that Mr. Cage cradles his head. I on the other hand don’t get very much sleep at all, because Nic is always staring at me. He haunts my nightmares and I swear I’ve seen the pillow move. He’s my husband Mr. Cage, back off.”
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To a lot of people, Lucky Charms isn’t a cereal. It’s work, akin to that of 19th century gold prospectors, and if you’ve ever seen your five-year-old panning through a cereal bowl in search of marshmallow hearts, stars, and clovers, you know this to be true. A company that is not General Mills also knows this to be true, and has rightly divined that the marshmallows are all that anyone cares about. But eight pounds?
“Yes I really ordered 8lbs of cereal marshmallows lol,” said Mom0f4. “I’m an adult and I can!! These are the closest I could find to lucky charms and they’re actually better IMO. They didn’t have that weird feel when you bite into them. 2-3 handfuls of these bad boys and a handful of cereal and I was in HEAVEN too bad they’re gone after 3.5 months. Definitely ordering more this week though.”
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We’ve all seen these before and while the item describes it as suitable for drinking both beer and soda, we know perfectly well that nobody drinks Mr. Pibb through these things. Amazon user Patrick Mcgovern was shipped one that was missing one of the two holders, making this product half as effective as it should be, but in his product review he makes clear that he has his priorities straight.
“I like Beer,” he wrote. “however, I ordered a beer helmet with TWO holders (as pictured) and only got a beer helmet with ONE beer holder!! I’ll bump this review up to 5 stars as soon as I get my second beer holder. This is for a halloween costume so I need the second holder soon!! I like beer.”
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Amazon user DE said that this product did nothing less than save her marriage of 57 years. Her husband demanded that she get rid of her 19 cats, but after crafting various items with cat hair, they got past this rough patch in their marriage.
“I saw this book and said dadgum that might help,” she wrote. “Now he loves the cute little hat I made for his bald head and I know his friends think it’s adorable too because they laugh so hard. I even made him peekaboo undies for the bedroom!!! We use toothbrushes to keep the undies clean. Because we save the hair now we hardly ever find it in our food anymore. We have our 1st great grandchild on the way so I’m making a blanket for her to come home from the hospital. We hope they name her Kitty. I hope they come up with a book for crafting with kitty litter cause we’re out of room.”
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This product actually has a practical application if your home is beset by coyotes. When you use it as directed and pour it around the outer perimeter of your house, those critters and others will stay away, not wanting to run afoul of the wolf that they believe has marked that territory. If only Amazon customer Nico had read the instructions.
“VERY BITTER TASTE!,” Nico wrote. “Does not taste good AT ALL. Bought a 16oz bottle, was barely able to get through a sip before I felt sick. Do not buy this product if you’re looking for wolf urine with rich flavors.”
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This toy gives the user the ability to fashion a squirrel hand puppet, more or less. While Amazon customer Brian the Bryan docked the product two stars in his review for not coming with an HDMI cable, another named Fat Daddy Fly Socks Soul used the product as intended, in his opinion.
“Sent this to my sisters house for no reason,” he said. “I like to mail her weird things with no context. One time I put a bunch of stamps on a potato and mailed it to her. Anyway she had a party last night and the Handi Squirrel was a huge hit. People love this thing. Buy one and get stupid.”
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Amazon.com
Amazon user Shay wrote the kind of review that can only be written when one has internalized many years of lived experience.
“There are occasions that just call for toast at a moments notice,” Shay wrote. “Sometimes, surprise brunch just happens at you, and what are you going to do about it, Beverly? Stand there empty handed with that stupid look on your face? No. Because you are brilliant and purchased this emergency inflatable toast and carry it with you everywhere you go, in a single breath you will have it inflated and be ready to drink mimosas with the rest of the Red Hat Society, while being heralded as the hero of Canton. So, don’t be a lame-o like Barbara. Everyone laughs at her behind her back. Be a winner, like me. Make brunch great again. You will have no regrets.”
Sadly, this item is currently unavailable and Amazon cannot guarantee that it will ever make its triumphant return to their platform. So rather than say “Read all the reviews and Get It Now” as we have on all the previous slides, we’re going to say “Read all the reviews and Refresh the Page Pathologically Several Times an Hour Until the Product Returns.”
Amazon.com
There’s nothing worse than coming to a Halloween party and seeing that someone else has shown up wearing the same costume as you. While that possibility may never be eliminated entirely, you can certainly reduce it to a very low order of probability by dressing up like a stack of pancakes. According to “Amazon Customer,” it’s all about self-actualization.
“Sometimes I wear it just to remind myself that I can be whatever I want to be, even if I want to be a stack of pancakes,” Amazon Customer said. “Butter looks real, do not bite, does not taste like butter.”
Read all the reviews and Get It Now.
Amazon.com
At eight feet in length and almost 27 pounds in weight, this gummy python is the last word in comically large animal replicas made of a gelatinous substance. If you’ve ever gone overboard on eating gummy anything, you know that’s a decision with uncomfortable consequences, as Amazon customer Brody F described in a product review titled “help.”
“its been stuck inside of me for 8 days now”
Read all the reviews and Get It Now.
Amazon.com
Whistles. They’re loud, alarming, and should under no circumstances be given to children under the age of four. They should also not be given to Amazon user APRoush, whom one assumes is an adult and has apparently just learned about these contraptions.
“Sometimes this whistle wakes people up, but that’s only in tha morning,” APRoush wrote. “They should probably be up cooking eggs for breakfast or something. Whistle goes woooo!”
Read all the reviews and Get It Now.
Amazon.com
One of the great tragedies of the era in which we live is that some of the gag reviews written by Amazon customers may sometimes get taken down. So while you cannot read this review on their site, we consider it a blast from the past, worthy of bringing back to you, the public.
This review for an inflatable air mattress was captured in screenshot form by the good people at boredpanda.com and we’re running it here so that the brave sacrifice of Amazon customer “Adam” will not be forgotten.
Read all the reviews and Get It Now.
This article is a combination of a piece that originally appeared on TheDelite.com and was syndicated by MediaFeed.org, and original reporting by Daniel Bukszpan.
boredpanda.com / demilked.com
Depositphotos
Featured Image Credit: Steve Jurvetson.
