It is not divorce or separated families that harm children — but conflict between parents. Together, we can work to stop that from happening and promote shared parenting — no matter how many hours each parent has with the kids.
A peer-reviewed and published study on shared parenting found that children fare better when separated, and that divorced co-parents share parenting time and decisions approximately equally (courts and academics consider at least 40 percent of the time with each parent to be considered co-parenting).
This is also true for high-conflict situations.
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Promoting equality & harmony with your ex
Whether or not you can stand the idea of relinquishing control of your children to an ex you dislike, loathe or hate, you likely do not have a choice.
Shared parenting legislation was introduced in more than half of states last year, and as science, media and general common sense infiltrate family and court culture, there has been incredibly positive movement toward it.
Even if the kids are with you most of the time, there is a lot you can do to promote a family culture of equality and harmony.
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1. Trust, not control
The big, overarching theme in successful, harmonious co-parenting is that both partners respect the other to be a safe, decent parent when the other is not around.
If you truly believe that your kids’ other parent is unsafe, then you need to take legal action to minimize contact.
Which brings me to the big point about shared parenting: If a parent is deemed safe to be with the kids 10 percent of the time, they are then safe to be with them 30 or 50 or 80 or even 100 percent of the time.
That means that you do not try to control what happens at the other parent’s house.
Maybe they’re the fun weekend parent all the time, and you prefer children to have structure, chores and downtime.
Maybe they’re a strict vegan and never allow sugar, carbs or produce grown outside of the county. You think kids need animal protein and the occasional cookie.
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2. It’s about equality
Accept that everyone is equal. Mothers and fathers are equal parents.
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3. Protect the kids
If things are tense between you, keep the focus of any must-have interaction on the kids.
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4. The two of you are a parenting team
Focus on parenting as a team.
Ask your ex’s advice about behavior issues.
Do not allow the kids to pit one of you against the other, and never vie for the position of favorite parent.
As one member of my Millionaire Single Moms Facebook group said, “In parenting, there is no good-cop/bad-cop. Sometimes we are both the bad cop.”
I’ll add: And you both get to be the good cop!
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5. The kids have two homes — use pronouns accordingly
When communicating with your ex, use ‘your house’ and ‘my house’ … Not ‘home,’ as in “When will you bring the kids home?”
It doesn’t matter how much time each parent has with the kids. Keep those pronouns neutral.
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6. Have family meetings
It benefits the kids to see that everyone is on the same page and getting everything out into the open at once.
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7. Respect your ex’s time with the kids
Do not call all the time to check on the kids or chat with them.
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8. Involve your ex in matters large & small
Routinely involve your ex in decisions about the kids’ child care, school, health and activities.
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9. Boundaries
Ignore when your ex gets pissy.
Do not engage.
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10. Let go of the heartbreak
Let it go.
You are co-parents now, and it doesn’t matter how you got here or whose fault it is. They’re your co-parent — not your ex.
Their significant other is just that, not their affair partner.
Staying in a positive mindset about the now is critical.
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11. Be careful what you call your ex
From Maggie, a single mom: “Change your own thinking by re-framing what your relationship is with him in your head. ‘My child’s other parent,’ instead of ‘my ex.’”
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12. Invite your ex to parties
Invite them to birthday or graduation parties you throw for the kids.
You can also ask them to participate in the planning, to bring the cake or otherwise be involved.
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13. Stay involved with your ex-inlaws
Stay connected to your ex’s family and friends.
Send them holiday cards and invite them to school, sports and birthday events.
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14. Tell your kids happy stories about their other parent
Share positive stories about the other parent with the kids.
Tell them about how you met, or trips you took, or positive qualities about your ex.
This communicates to your children something positive about a person they love and reconditions you to think differently (and better) about your ex.
This shift will infiltrate your energy, vibration and interaction with them.
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15. Be thoughtful of them on the holidays
Buy them a holiday and birthday gift on behalf of the kids.
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16. Be supportive of their new significant other
Be positive about any romantic partners in their life — both to the kids and to them.
It doesn’t matter if you like them or whether they were the affair partner.
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17. Respect them
When they make a suggestion or request about parenting, listen and follow it unless you actually really object.
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18. Support their parenting
Think about what you can do to help the other parent win at parenting.
These tactics might include daily reminders, scheduling and planning emails, or follow-up phone calls.
Do it from a place of love and unity, and without being condescending!
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19. Let them fail
There is a fine line between being supportive and being co-dependent.
Ultimately, your ex is responsible for being the best parent they can.
I have heard moms say that they schedule fun activities for their kids’ dads to do with them “because I love my kids and want them to have fun weekends.”
That is actually controlling and co-dependent, and doesn’t work in a co-parenting relationship.
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20. Celebrate the kids with them
Share the kids’ successes with your ex. Screen shot good grades on homework, cute craft projects and sports events – and not in a passive-aggressive way.
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21. Say yes more than you say no (if you can)
Say yes as often as you possibly can when they ask for flexibility in the schedule.
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22. Please and thank you
Thank them when they are flexible with you, no matter how much more of the work you know you do.
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23. Don’t keep score on stuff
Let go of the, “I bought those clothes, so they stay at my house.”
If you’re running short on certain items, just ask that enough be returned when you are running low and pay back that favor.
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24. Let the kids see you speaking well of one another — to one another
Give them a compliment. Do it in front of the kids.
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25. Be careful with your new significant other on social media
Refrain from posting social media pics of your new significant other with the kids, with the exception of when everyone is really getting along awesomely. Otherwise, it may come off as mean.
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26. Always be the bigger person
When you feel the rage coming on, stop.
It’s not about you.
Save your energy for the battles that really matter in the long term.
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27. Accept that you don’t have to force the relationship
You may not want to spend the holidays or your kids’ volleyball matches together.
That is fine.
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28. Be patient
Take it from me: People change and grow and forgive and mellow.
Over time, hand-offs at the police station can cease and be replaced by shared holiday meals.
Explosive texting can stop and words of support and encouragement can reign. Life is long.
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‘But my ex and I hate each other and it is impossible to co-parent’
My post-divorce road with my ex has been rocky. We’re six years into this co-parenting business and we’re far from hitting a permanent groove. In the early days, aside from screaming matches in front of the kids and neighbors alike, there were calls to police and a restraining order. Weeks would go by without seeing him and last-minute cancellations were commonplace.
Whatever nasty things you can imagine saying to the other person were said. I’m guilty.
It seemed inconceivable that our relationship would be anything other than an east coast version of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee (minus the millions of dollars).
Every day I hear from people in the midst of a co-parenting quagmire: Dads who check out, moms who block visitation, parents who cancel visits while the kids are waiting by the door, parents who call police when the other is one minute past the court-ordered time, screaming matches and one or the other spending nights in jail — for no good reason.
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The road ahead
Fast-forward to today, and my ex and I hardly have it all figured out. Ups and downs still ensue. What I could not have imagined has come to pass: More or less regular visits and smooth communication. Spontaneous meals together with the kids, whether at my place or at restaurants. Rides shared in one or the other’s Subaru to soccer games. Gifts exchanged on behalf of the kids to the other parent on birthdays and holidays. Chit chats and the occasional hug after a big argument, or after a birthday party co-hosted successfully at the local bowling alley.
As I told him recently in a therapy session, I love him. I’ve known him for more than 15 years and have two kids with him. He’s a good person. I’m a good person. We both love the kids. At some point everything more or less calmed down, the divorce was finalized and life moved forward. Battles were picked. The immediate trauma of divorce subsided.
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It gets better
I am here to tell you that it can get better. That one day, while you’re both at the soccer game expecting the usual arctic glacier to stand between you, you will find that you need help passing out rice crispy treats for the team. You will say, ‘Hey, can you handle this for me?’ and your ex will be so glad to thaw the tension that they will chirp, ‘Sure!’
Suddenly, there is a bit of a rapport, a hint of cozy relations that suggests the potential for more good vibes and less teeth-grinding hostility. It feels good to you and it feels good to your ex, too. And, after a while, you forget why you were so freaking angry at them all the time.
This is because being angry just sucks, while being nice and getting along is so much better. Even if it isn’t fair or logical, you let go. You forgive. They forgive. You see this has been hard for them, too. You see that they do love the kids, and that is a lot. You offer them a ride home. They offer to help you replace your windshield wiper blade.
You get on with it. Steel yourself not for friendship or even a sense of family. At least not yet. Instead, you open yourself to a relationship that you have not yet defined, but will explore. And everything is better.
That, I want you to know — need you to know — is possible.
This article originally appeared on WealthySingleMommy.com and was syndicated by MediaFeed.org.
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